Overheard...

...the charge nurse, on the phone:
"We don't have any sane nurses here."
Of course, if you're in the biz, you know that she was referring to SANE nurses, which stands for Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner - a nurse specially trained to conduct exams on sexual assault and rape victims and collect evidence.

But I thought it was pretty appropriate without the footnote, too.

Funny Things Patients Say

In emergency medicine, we have the honor of serving an eclectic mix of clientele. (That's what I say, because it keeps me from having to say things like "Pay no attention to that urine that's running under the curtain from the drunk guy next door" or "I'm sorry that young lady has such a loud potty-mouth, it appears she's had too much crack today" or "You're right, sir, you are having a heart attack and you should not have to listen to that patient throw a tantrum because she hasn't yet received her Demerol shot for her back pain of 6 years" or "Pardon the smell emanating from the homeless patient one bed over and his stinky feet" ... you get my drift.)
Between the good and the bad and the downright ugly, we get to see humanity in all its forms and literacy levels, senses of humor that range from stellar to nonexistent, courtesy and manners of varying degrees, patients who entertain us on purpose and patients who entertain us just because they say funny stuff.

So here are some gems, compliments of me and the folks I work with, and you out there in the blogosphere. E-mail me your funnies or post 'em as comments, let's share all the humor that's out there to be had.

"I have back pain and problems with my psychotic nerve."

"It just swolled up on me."

"Well, I was playing with a hammer, laying on the bed and throwing it up and catching it. And I missed." (in response to the question of what caused the divot in his forehead)

"Well, I have asthma, and I have diabetes, and I'm fat, and I'm ugly too but I'm doing better than some from the looks of things..."

"Did you see what they did to me? The police brutaliated against me."

"Don't be such a pestimist."

"Can you give me 1800's medical care, for 1800's cost? I know it'll hurt, but at least I can afford it."

Just Don't Call Me Late for Dinner...

Sometimes, in EMS, we encounter patients who really, truly appreciate us: those who are nice, and courteous, and say things like please and thank you. Sometimes, we encounter the other kind: those who spit, and curse, and call us names. Which brings me to the following compendium of creative names we get called (by patients, mostly):

"you filthy bitch" - Emily (one of the sweetest and most innocent-looking nurses I know, by a demented nonagenarian)

"scab-eating whoremonger" - Jeremy (who does not, to my knowledge, consume scabs or patronize prostitutes)

"Nazi cu** bitch" - yours truly (and I am not affiliated with the National Socialist Party)

"piss-infected cum-bubble" - Dan (who was so named by a drunk patient, he says)

"ritalin-shooting scab-infected lice whore" - Jeremy (again, with the scab/whore theme)

"a menace to society" - Anne (during nursing school, by a little old lady)

"I'll just pretend you're my mom" - me (and it wouldn't have been nearly as vile, had I not had my hand wrapped around a specific part of his anatomy preparing to insert a catheter. Eewwwww.)

"yellow-bellied chicken f**ker" - Matt (who says he has probably been called worse, but this is the most memorable)

"sperm-belching lot lizard" - Jodi, in jest by Mark

This is just a sampling of all the gems that are out there, to be sure. So come on, my EMS compadres, either leave a comment or e-mail me, redfreyja1ATyahooDOTcom, let's see whatcha got.

Welcome!

The ER is an amazing place to work. There isn't a single day that's the same as any other day - not a day goes by that I don't learn something new - but above all else, it's just a crazy, hectic, fun atmosphere. With some really funny people as co-workers. We have to have humor to avoid going crazy - because how else can you deal with getting spit on, called names, sometimes risking injury to yourself, running on all cylinders all the time, thinking critically, and dealing with ugliness in many forms?

So it makes sense to share some of that humor with y'all out there in the non-EMS world. Bear in mind, a lot of what we think is funny is downright inappropriate. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at each other, we laugh in the face of death and we laugh when we shouldn't. If you're offended at what you see here, feel free to navigate away - or you can ponder what your healthcare workers would be like if we didn't have a release valve.